milesfromfine | I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

In retrospect, Sam really should have seen it coming. Things were going so well... he and Gabe had a place of their own, two rowdy, slobbery dogs that adored them, and regular visits from Ellen bearing delicious gifts. It was pretty much time for Sam to hit a roadblock in his life. Past time, really.

His roadblock was four years older and twice as put together. He'd been awkwardly trying to bridge the gulf between himself and Dean since he'd been released from rehab. Dean seemed reluctant to reach out this time. Not that Sam could blame him, still... it was a constant ache. He wanted his brother back.

So, he'd made the drive to Dean's apartment bearing a six-pack and a couple of pizzas. That had been his first mistake. Even though alcohol had always been his least favorite drug, Dean still saw it as a weakness in his resolve. They'd begun fighting as soon as Sam walked in the door and continued until he'd stormed back out again.

Sam drove in a haze of anger, both at Dean and at himself. Mostly himself. God knows he deserved to be held at arm's length, but it still stung. Made him think back over every stupid mistake, every terrible decision, building more and more self-loathing until he almost couldn't see straight.

By the time he calmed down enough to focus on his surroundings, he'd been driving quite a while. Driving a familiar path. It didn't take long, once he looked, to recognize his old neighborhood with its run-down buildings and run-down people. His dealer lived just blocks from the stop light where he paused, car idling, heart hammering in his chest. It would be so easy.... just a few blocks, a few dollars, and easy oblivion. No more anger or pain. No more anything.

The longer he sat there, the more the anxiety built. He was so close. Right on a razor's edge.

Sam pulled a fast u-turn, tires screeching, and raced for home.

He drove blindly until he reached the house, parking haphazardly and sprinting inside like he was being chased. The door slammed behind him and he leaned back against it, dragging in ragged, heaving breaths. He ignored the happy pups bouncing around his feet and staggered to an empty corner of the living room, tucking himself into as small a space as he could, knees to his chest, head resting on them, while his blood raced in his ears.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

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They were happy together. Good, even. A house of their own, two boneheaded dogs and a life clear-headed and sober. If you'd have told Gabriel he would be doing the domestic thing a year ago he'd have laughed himself right off the ol' barstool.

Sam wanted to make things right with his brother and Gabriel had encouraged him to do it. God knows he couldn't reach out to his brothers without someone winding up dead. So he'd seen Sam off with a kiss and a wish good luck. Sammy loved his brother - he deserved this, to make it right.

While he'd gone off to visit his brother, Gabriel had ordered some Chinese and sat down with a stack of bad movies. He was halfway through Sharktopus when the sound of squealing tires snapped him out of the mediocre acting and only okay CGI.

"Sam?" He's barely on his feet when Sam slams the door behind him, huddling in the corner. "Jesus Christ, Sammy?" Voice thick with worry, he dropped to his knees beside him, reaching to slide his hands up his arms.

Dean. Dean what the fuck did you do?

"Come on baby, talk to me."

It was a few minutes before Sam registered anything outside of his own breathing and the ringing in his ears. Why the fuck he thought he could make this work, he had no idea. One little argument, one fight, and he was running for a needle or a pill. He was a failure, stone cold fact.

"I can't," he rasped, finally registering the sound of Gabe's voice and the dogs nervous whining. "Can't, I'm sorry. I'm such a fucking screw up..."

A quick, firm order had the dogs pulling back and laying on the couch, watching the scene unfold with wide, sad eyes. Gabriel kept his hands drifting along his arms and shoulders, murmuring soft words of comfort while Sam tried to get his breathing under control.

"Hey, no talk like that Sammy." He folded over him, as if somehow he could shield Sam from whatever had rattled him so badly. "You're not a screwup. Now come on, talk to me. What happened?"

The tension that was keeping him upright began to shift and despair slumped his shoulders underneath Gabe's touch. As much as he wanted to wrap himself around Gabe and soak up his comforting presence, the familiar feeling of self-hatred kept him from it. It wasn't something he deserved.

"I messed it up. Right from the start." He mumbled, forcing words through a tight throat and numb lips. "Always mess it up. And, then I..."

He shivered and shook his head, unable to look up into Gabe's face. "I was so close. Just wanted to make it go away."

The admission hits him like a shock of cold water and for a moment Gabriel can't breathe. He'd nearly lost Sam. One quick turn of the car and he could have been gone. Everything they had.. poof. Just like that.

Reaching down, Gabriel firmly cupped his face, drawing Sam's eyes up to his. "But you didn't. You came home Sammy." Not to the house they were sharing or the dogs or any of that but to a home. Something he hadn't had his entire life. "You came home." To him, to their life together.

"That's what matters, okay? You came home to us. You came close but you didn't. You're home and you're safe."

Sam's despair sat cold and heavy in the pit of his stomach, but Gabe's hands were warm and so were his words. Sam wanted to reach out for them, the hands and the words both, and hang on, but the fear was paralyzing. "But, I was so close. One fight and I was ready to throw it all away. What if... what if, next time, I can't stop?"

He didn't let up, kept moving his hands along his shoulders and back while Sam struggled for words. "I know Sam," he soothed. "I know. But you didn't Sam. You came home. It's okay to be close, as long as you remember to come home to us."

Gabriel stayed close, stuffing down the cold lump of terror in his stomach at the thought that he might have lost Sam, that he might have gotten lost out there without him. "You came home Sam. You're here and you're safe."

But, next time. His mind kept screaming it at him. Next time, next time it wouldn't be okay. He was fooling himself.

After a lengthy internal struggle, Sam managed to shake himself out of his misery enough to begin to absorb his surroundings. He felt Gabe's hands, warm and sure on his skin. He heard the reassuring words and struggled to let himself believe them.

As much as he'd scoffed at it in rehab, he let himself grab hold of 'one day at a time' and shoved back thoughts of tomorrow or the next day. Slowly, he slumped over, settling his upper body into Gabe's lap, willing the tension in his body to ease. One hand found one of Gabe's and laced their fingers together, tucking them under his chin.

"Think I scared them," he murmured, flicking his gaze to their pups huddled on the couch. Poor guys.

One day at a time. It was the only way they could stay sane and on the road to staying clean and sober. Don't worry about next week, next month, just get through today. Then tomorrow. Gabriel kept talking, kept stroking along his back until the tension started to slowly bleed out of him and Sam folded into his lap.

He bent to kiss the top of his head, still hunched protectively over Sam.

"They're okay, aren't you guys? C'mere meatheads, nice and gentle." Permission given, the dogs slunk off the couch and crawled towards Sam, tails thwapping on the floor as they approached. "See? We're okay babe. We're gonna be fine."

And he was just going to ignore the sudden and burning desire to hunt down Dean and kick the everloving hell out of him.

Sam carefully unwound their fingers and reached out to pull the dogs in, giving apologetic ear scratches and accepting doggy kisses. Laying in Gabe's lap, with their babies cuddled in close, he started to feel human again. This wasn't the rosy, picket fence ending all the sitcoms promised, but it was warm and safe and he felt loved. It was better than a TV ending.

He just had to not lose it.

"Thank you," he breathed, turning over to lay flat and look up at Gabe. "Sorry if I scared you. I scared me, too."

The dogs crowded in closer, pleased that the tension in the room finally lifted, to bask in the attention of their two people. Gabriel leaned to ruffle ears and murmur quiet endearments to the dogs as Sam settled in his lap a little more comfortably.

So it wasn't the most idyllic ending. But it was what worked for them.

Gabriel lifted his hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "Scared the hell outta me, Sammy. But you came home. That's what matters." Gently he carded his fingers through his shaggy hair. "You're home and you're safe with me."

whuff!

"Okay, okay. With us."

Sam laughed softly. Their mutts had minds of their own. It was one of the things he loved about them. They were constant companions and constant entertainment.

He tipped his head into Gabe's touch and sighed. "Think maybe I'll hold off on reconciliation attempts for a while. Guess I'm not as up to it as I thought."

The dogs were perfect for them. Personalities of their own and more than enough entertainment. A tennis ball, frisbee and a back yard was just about all the four of them needed on a clear summer night.

Gabriel bent to kiss his forehead, fingers stroking through his hair gently. "Hold off as long as you need to, babe. Because we need you here too. All three of us."

Murphy whuffed his agreement, crawling into Sam's lap, tail banging on his legs as he did so. If Sam was staying on the floor, then it was dogpile time.

"Oof!" Sam gave a startled laugh at his lap full of pup and wrapped his arms around the dog, burying his face in the warm fur. This was what he needed. The comfort and warmth to ground him in the now. If he just concentrated on now he could do this. Maybe. Probably.

He reached out blindly to wrap an arm around the other dog and pull him in against his side. Leaning into Gabe's chest, he sighed into Murphy's fur. "I need you, too. Can't do any of this without you."

This was what they needed, each other and quiet connections. Screw family. Gabriel clutched him tighter, opening his arms for the dogs to crowd in, but always keeping Sam closest. His throat tight and voice threatening to break, Gabriel leaned to kiss his hair. "You just try and keep me away Winchester. Cause it ain't gonna happen."

A hand rubbed gently down his shoulder. "I love you Sam." Wow. That was more terrifying than he thought.

But he doesn't regret saying it.

Sam wasn't expecting to hear that. Of course, he heard it often from Ellen, but it had been years since someone else... someone he wanted to build a life with... said the words. Sam looked up slowly, unable to hold back the look of amazed wonder on his face.

"I love you, too," he murmured, surprised to find that it was easier to say than he would have imagined. Probably because it was true.

The way that smile dawned across his face made it all worth it. Gabriel laughed, a free and easy sound as he leaned to kiss him. They were going to be all right, he'd never been more sure of anything as he slid his fingers into Sam's hair to draw him closer.

"We're gonna make it Sam. You and me and the two fuzzballs here. I know we are."

A fond smile. "Come on. Let's pile everyone into bed. Tonight calls for ice cream and major cuddle therapy."

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I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

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