milesfromfine | My life's a jigsaw puzzle with the corner pieces missing.

My life's a jigsaw puzzle with the corner pieces missing.

True to their word, Ellen and Bobby had Sam in a real rehab center just as quick as they could arrange it. He wasn't sure how they'd managed it financially and that worry weighed on him as much as all the rest. Another item to add to the miles-long list of ways he'd complicated their lives.

He hadn't seen or heard from Dean since Bobby found him in that motel, either. His brother might have finally given up on him. Sam couldn't help but be a little glad for him, even though he felt the loss like a physical wound every day.

The rehab place wasn't... awful. Sam was messed up enough to resent being there and the withdrawals he suffered through in the first few days were horrific, although they did have medicines that helped a little. After he'd come through them and began to resemble something more like human, they'd started his treatment.

Or, tried to, anyway. Sam wasn't really interested in 'opening up' to strangers and being locked in a place he couldn't leave wasn't really encouraging him to change his mind on it. Progress was slow. Very slow. Sam wasn't sure he'd ever get to leave the place, which was probably exactly what he deserved.

The only part of the whole mess that didn't suck completely was the time each day that he was permitted to sit in the sun room with the other patients. He hadn't really done much in the way of mingling, but it was nice to sit in the seats along the big windows and feel the sun on his face for a while.

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Gabriel always felt too much, felt too strongly. It was half the reason that his family drove him to dangerous levels of drinking. But this? He could get used to this, just laying close to someone like Sam.

He grinned easily, "Maybe I'll just save you from it instead." Sam could come back from the brink, Gabriel was sure of it. He'd been in and out of rehab long enough he knew the ones who'd eventually get clean and go home and the ones who'd burn out.

A wistful smile found its way to Sam's lips. After so many disappointments -- most of his own making -- he wasn't sure he had it in him to hope for.... well, anything. It was still really nice to hear it, though. Especially from someone who sounded so convinced.

"Maybe. You seem like the kind of guy who can make things happen when he really wants it."

Gabriel grinned in reply. "You're damn skippy I can. So you know what I'm setting the ol mind to? Seeing that smile, at least once a day. Think I can pull it off?"

Sam couldn't help but snicker a little. The guy was determined, that was for sure. "I guess we're going to find out?"

Which really didn't seem like that bad a thing. Sam was used to people taking one look at him and writing him off and, even though he still thought Gabe was nuts for doing otherwise, this strange confidence in him felt really... good.

"Ha, made you laugh," he crowed triumphantly. "That's it, I'm officially calling today a win."

Gabriel turned his face back towards the sun for a moment, "And one day, if you're okay with it, I'm going to kiss you. One day." So maybe he's bracing himself a bit for a rejection, or at least for Sam to pull away. But total honesty, right? That's where it's all supposed to start. Or some bullshit like that.

It wasn't as big a surprise as it should have been. There had been a moment, there, when Sam had been certain Gabriel was going to kiss him. He hadn't moved, more from surprise than anything else, but the interim time had given him a little space to think. The last person to kiss him, really kiss, had also been the one to burn his world down around him. She fed his disease and shared her own. It was bad for both of them... always had been.

Then again, with Ruby, her darkness was always close to the surface. He saw it and it drew him to her, his own self-destructive nature seeking out more of the same. Left to his own devices, he likely would never have approached anyone like Gabriel, who had a lightness about him that seemed so far out of Sam's reach. Something he could snuff out too easily if he wasn't careful, and careful wasn't anything he was very good at these days.

But, neither was smiling or laughing. Both things this relative stranger had inspired in him seemingly without trying.

He nodded slowly, his own face turned toward the sun and marveling at how he could begin to feel it through the layer of invisible ice that always seemed to encase him. "Okay..."

He didn't pull away, didn't looking at him funny and Gabriel smiled, laying his cheek back on Sam's shoulder. "I think we're gonna have to make a regular thing of this when the weather doesn't suck. Take a few and get some sun and some fresh air?"

Sam has potential - he's going to make it out of the facility in the end, Gabriel's sure of it. For now, they'll take it one day at a time. One warm, wonderful afternoon at a time together.

Sam had been in the facility for a couple weeks now. He was almost used to the routine, carefully laid out by the hospital professionals. It was almost comforting, at times. Other times, it was suffocating. Those times, he was most glad for Gabriel's presence. The other man had some sort of magical knack for saying or doing the right thing to snatch Sam back from the edge of despair. Often, it was just his presence and seemingly unending need for physical contact that soothed him.

During that time, Ellen and Bobby came to visit a few times. Sam was always equal parts glad to see them and deeply ashamed that they had to see him there, struggling again. The visits always left him in a funk of self-loathing. Those, again, were times Gabriel seemed to save him from himself.

Sam hadn't realized how much he'd come to rely on that presence until he couldn't find it one morning. Sam searched, but couldn't find Gabriel in any of his usual spots. Not even outside in their spot by the lake. Part of him started to worry that Gabriel might have left treatment. The thought that he might be stuck there alone started a little knot of panic in his stomach. Now that he'd gotten used to not being alone, going back would be a nightmare.

He finally found himself at the door to Gabriel's room, raising a hesitant hand to knock. If he didn't find him here, then he really was gone...

He should have gone to find Sam. Sought refuge with the big, quiet guy with those small smiles that have come to mean so much to him. But he had his own issues to deal with, his addiction, his family and finding some sense of value in himself. So after Michael's visit, after the news he came bearing in his typical cold, distant demeanor, Gabriel hid in his room.

Coward's way out? Probably.

He should find Sam. At least let him know he hadn't ducked out of rehab. So color him surprised as he swung the door open to find him already there. He's hardly presentable, eyes red and puffy, his clothes rumpled. Gabriel knows he looks like utter hell - but he's still glad to see Sam. Reassured that the big guy had gone looking for him.

"Hey Sam. C'mon in."

"Hey..." Sam stepped in, releasing a silent sigh of relief. At the same time, he felt a little guilty for being so pleased that Gabriel was still there. Shouldn't he be hoping for his friend to recover and go back to his life? Rather than being glad he remained in this limbo with him?

"Am I intruding?"

"Hm? No, Sammy. No. You're not." Wearily Gabriel dragged a hand across his eyes. "I.. my brother came by this morning. Gotta love family, right?"

He dropped back onto the corner of his bed, scrubbing at his face. "I missed chasing you down after morning therapy, so you came looking for me?" That's strangely gratifying. That he at least matters to someone. To Sam.

God knows he doesn't matter to his brothers anymore.

"Yeah, well..." Sam felt his face heat up a little and he scratched at the back of his neck a little awkwardly. It sounded a little pitiful... a little needy, but it was true. "Thought you might've gone ahead and pulled that hummingbird stunt."

He moved to sit down on the edge of the bed and shifted a little to angle more toward Gabriel. "Is there anything I can do...?"

Sam had no idea, really, what exactly Gabriel's brothers problems were, but whatever they were, they obviously took their toll on his friend. There probably wasn't anything he could say or do to make it better, but he found himself wishing there was.

Even in his misery, Gabriel can't help but notice that little smile, the self-conscious duck of his head. He shifted closer to Sam, pressing his shoulder against his, grateful for the contact. "You're here Sam. That's what matters." That he's not alone to deal with the latest round of fuckery from his family.

Tucking his legs beneath him, Gabriel waved a hand at the door. "My brother came to visit. His visits aren't exactly a cause for celebration."

Sam shifted to loop an arm around Gabriel's shoulders. Gabe pulled him back from his own abyss several times. The least he could do was try to return the favor.

"What did he want?" He asked carefully. He wasn't sure if it was a subject they should talk about or not, but he wanted to be there to listen if Gabriel wanted to talk.

Gabriel lets Sam put an arm around him, draw him in near and he tucks himself in against his friend. The contact was what he needed at the moment. Warm, solid, good Sam. His head tipped to his shoulder, breathing in the clean cotton scent of his tshirt.

"My brothers are always fighting - Michael and Lucifer. They've been doing it for as long as I can remember."

"Today Michael, he," Gabriel swallowed hard. "He threw Lucifer out of the house, destroyed him. He's even threatening to throw him in jail just because he's threatened by him. I've begged Lu for years to get away. Walk away from Michael and he's not going to."

"I'm going to lose both of them, Sam."

"I'm sorry..." It sounded so trite, but Sam didn't know what else to say. Powerless was a feeling he was well used to, although the familiarity didn't make it any easier. If he had any useful life answers, he wouldn't be the wreck of a human being he was.

"I think... maybe..." Man, he was bad at this. "Maybe, if they've been at it so long, there's probably not anything you can say or do to change it. They've probably gotta just get it out of their systems."

He shrugged and squeezed Gabriel's shoulders lightly. "Maybe all you can do is take care of yourself and hope to catch them when they fall?"

He might not feel like he's any good at it, but what Gabriel needed was comfort more than another way to solve a seemingly impossible problem. With a shaky breath he nodded, unwilling to give up even a fraction of the contact.

"I've been watching them go at it for years, and I don't think I've got it in me to keep watching. If I do I'm gonna crawl inside a bottle and never come out again. But they're all I've got, you know?"

This time he does raise his head, the vaguest idea of a smile tugging at his lips. "Maybe not everything, but you know what I mean."

Sam gave him a crooked smile. "I know what you mean. Family's important and it's hard to let them go. At least, that's what I keep getting told."

Ellen was pretty darn adamant about it, too.

Reaching up, Gabriel cupped his cheek, stroking his thumb along his jaw to find that dimple he didn't see nearly enough of most days. "Your family seems pretty awesome Sam. I can see where you get it."

"Nah, I'm the black sheep." Sam chuckled and blushed a little. He was getting more used to the casual, affectionate touches, but they still caught him by surprise sometimes. Or maybe it still surprised him to think someone without any familial obligation to him actually thought he was worth so much. "They are really awesome, though. I'll never be able to repay them for everything they've done for me."

"Cute sheep either way." Gabriel can't help himself, especially when he catches a glimpse of that dimple, the self-conscious duck of his head when he touches him. He was getting better. They both were. At least he hopes so.

"Yeah you will Sam. You'll get outta here and you're gonna get better. Make 'em proud."

The 'cute' comment got a deeper blush, but Sam didn't pull away or brush it off. He was trying. Trying to learn to accept good things when they came, instead of avoiding them to punish himself. It was a hard habit to break, though.

"I hope so," he murmured. "I want to. Always have."

He was getting better at not pulling away. Sure, there was still that self-conscious duck of his head, but it was never going to stop being adorable. Gabriel tucked in close against him. "You will Sam. I'm sure of it."

A slow exhalation as he scrubs at his face. "Good family like that? You've got someone to go home to."

Him on the other hand? He's not so sure about.

"Yeah..." He trailed off a minute, picking up on Gabriel's renewed melancholy and he could guess what it was about. Sam was lucky. He had a wonderful family... much, much more than he deserved. Gabriel was a far better person with a lot less to look forward to. It wasn't fair.

"You should probably get used to them." He said, finally. "Ellen's known to adopt in the people Dean and I drag home." Well, except for Ruby, but that was Ellen's good sense winning out over Sam's self-destruction.

"She's already trying to feed up my brother's boyfriend. I hope you like fried chicken and pie."

Adopt? Gabriel looked up, startled. Sam wanted to take him home? "Really? You'd drag me home? I'd ah, I'd like that. And for the record, I happen to love fried chicken and pie."

His smile warmed and he shifted to look up at Sam. Going home with someone. A real family.

Maybe rehab wouldn't suck quite so hard this time.

"I think I might have to kiss you now, Sam."

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My life's a jigsaw puzzle with the corner pieces missing.

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